


Now That You're Not Here

by lagaydugevaudan



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, caleb isn't coping very well, mollymauk isn't actually here he's just mentioned, spoilers for episode 26
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-18 21:27:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15495036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lagaydugevaudan/pseuds/lagaydugevaudan
Summary: "I think I loved him"





	Now That You're Not Here

It's been months, and Caleb still wears his death on his skin like an open wound. He thinks everyone can see it on him, the loss, the fucking agony he felt when he realized Mollymauk was dead, for good this time.  
He comes back for the body—they covered it in his coat and a spell to ward off the decay—once the others are safe, and waits. He waits for Molly to get back up, with a shrug and a laugh, so things can go back to the way they were, and Nott waits patiently. She knows he needs time.  
And then the smell comes, and Caleb’s spells can’t stop nature from reclaiming Molly’s body anymore, so he buries him, with his coat and his jewelry and a note—he knows it’s futile, at this point, but he’s still hoping—stating: “Your name is Mollymauk Tealeaf. You picked it yourself. Find the Gentleman in Zadash. You have friends.”

He leaves, and he spends the next weeks in a blank stupor, just conscious enough to feel guilt—for leaving him behind, for surviving, for not being strong enough to bring him back, for making Nott take care of him when he can’t even speak, can’t thank her or apologize for what he’s putting her through.  
She takes care of him.

They find the rest of the Mighty Nein back in Zadash—easy enough, ask about a bright blue tiefling and a monk with her head up her arse—and the routine sets back in, without them asking anything of Caleb. Odd jobs for the Gentleman, mercenary work when it pays right. They do work well together, even now, and Caleb doesn’t want to have to think, so he follows.

They don’t speak of Mollymauk.

He’s on his bed in the room he shares with Nott at the Leaky Tap, resting after a long day of chasing down undead rats in the sewers for an alchemist—they didn’t ask why she needed them and were handsomely rewarded—when he finds it in him to talk about what happened. The ale they’d shared beforehand was probably helping, as well.

“I think I loved him.” he says, arms crossed on his chest, staring at the ceiling with intent—he thinks if he meets Nott’s eyes right now he might burst into tears. Frumpkin hops onto the bed and curls up onto him, nudging at his arms, and Caleb closes his eyes, letting the soft purrs soothe him.

Nott stops fumbling with her findings of the day—mostly buttons, he assumes—and he hears her turn to him. “You mean…?”  
Caleb nods, and starts idly scratching Frumpkin’s neck. “Mollymauk. I think I—ah.” his throat tightens around the words and his fingers sting with the promise of sparks, his eyes with that of tears.

“You don’t have to do this, Caleb.” Nott says, voice tight with worry, and Caleb hates that he makes her worry, hates himself for being so fucking fragile that people have to treat him like he’ll break at the barest impact (which he will, and he has).

“I know but I need to… say it.” he says, and he turns his head to face Nott—careful not to move Frumpkin, who is kneading softly at his chest. “I was in love with him and I, I couldn’t protect him and now he is dead—“ He chokes back a sob and sits up, grabbing Frumpkin and holding him close, petting him with shaky hands, trying to ground himself. “I should have done something, I should have been there.” His vision is blurred and he can’t breathe, he inhales but it feels like nothing comes in, like he’s drowning.

Nott puts a hand on his arm and Caleb almost jumps out of his skin, not having heard her walk up. “It’s not your fault.” she says, firmly now. Caleb looks at her through his tears and she softens her stern look a little. “You couldn’t have done anything.” She sits on the edge of the bed and puts her arms around Caleb, who lets go of Frumpkin to hold onto Nott’s arms, shaking, sobs echoing through his body. “It wasn’t your fault,” she continues, hugging him as tightly as her small form allows her. “It wasn’t your fault.”

He doesn’t believe her, knows he doesn’t deserve the affection she’s giving him, but he is too tired to argue.

They stay like this for a while, until Caleb dozes off, and for the first night in a very long time, he sleeps peacefully.

**Author's Note:**

> I havent actually seen the episode yet because i’m still in denial!! And apparently this is how I cope! By making myself sadder! Anyway I miss Mollymauk. Enjoy.


End file.
